i wish i could put my feelings down to words. is it me or is it you? because i really want to know whos at fault here so i can stop going in circles. i feel like i was so stupid because i think it was about a week ago? i was walking home and i couldnt stop smiling and i was thinking oh this is how it used to be like when i first had a crush on you, im finally getting used to this relationship. ive forgotten nathan, this relationship has grown on me. i dont feel upset and everything is going right. nathan probably couldve worked out with michelle if he gave her a chance and a bit more time to adjust to her. and that exact night was the night i ended up talking to myself. i dont want to be high maintenance, i dont want to be controling, i dont want to ask too much of you, i dont want to change your life. i dont want to tell you this because i feel like you'd think im annoying or too hard to please. i think i want all this because i want security and another thing is because nathan scarred me from all relationships. i guess i start to think things or i just cant let my guard down anymore because i kno how it feels for everything to be ripped away. i never thought i'd be the type that would be affected by something like this. i used to laugh at the people who claimed they'd never go back into a relationship because they've experienced the pain. i guess now i understand how its like. i just cant give myself completely in another relationship anymore, which i guess isnt fair to you but if we started off with you telling me that the chances of us being together forever is slim to none its not gonna help me let myself go completely. maybe this is why im upset these days? because i kno itll end and im just waiting for you to tell me and the hurt to come again. ah im just rambling on and on and on, i probably dont make much sense. you can find someone better than me in all aspects. sometimes i really wish you were just my "big brother" then we could talk like how we did before and it wont be stale like this. you wonder why i talk so fast/much when im on the phone? because im trying to fill in the silences. you wonder why im watching tv while we're on the phone? what else can i do when we're on the phone? am i just gonna stare at the wall while i listen to you talk to other people or play your games? at this point i wonder and I too clingy or are you just not doing what regular boyfriends do? from what i kno dont they put down everything to talk to their gfs? i thought oh maybe im just too clingy or im just too used to nathan doing that for me, so ill just grow used to you and your ways. but first of all, i find out youre like the only boyfriend i kno that doesnt put down everything to talk to his gf and second of all, after i found that out i tried to adapt to it but i couldnt. i felt like i have no place at all whatsoever. like you talk to other people more than me whether we're on msn/phone or w/e. am i scarred by nathan or do i actually have the right to be upset by this? im so confused :S am i the one being all weird and crazy or are you the one not doing the good job? if im the one at fault ill try to fix it. ill try to not be crazy and insecure. ill try my best to grow out of it. omgosh now i feel so upset and bad because if you read this ever its just... i dont kno... weird. i lied, i guess i do know the source of my sadness these days. fuck this shit.