things i dont like about kitty and nathan (that i will not bring up, at least not until his throat gets better and we can get in a huge row about it)

1. they are so close its like she can replace me in his life
2. she knows more about him than me (i.e. the guy that his boss praises all the time and "as if he has no feelings" if it bothered him that much, why didnt he tell me?)
3. she can guarrantee he cant shut up for more than 10 min. unfortunately around me, nathan is quiet pretty much... 99% of the time. i do all the talking and i get "mhmm". and its not even as if im dominating the talking. if i dont talk, ITS SILENCE.
4. when its us three, i think people would mistaken me as the tag along and they are going out
5. the fact that kitty is so likeable you feel guilty being upset about it, but you know it bothers you a lot. i kinda wish she was a horrible bitch so i at least had some ammunition
6. when hes on the phone with her and i call he'll continue to talk to her and hang up on me (selfish on my part, i know. but i wish he would hang up on everyone, including her, when i call)
7. she seems to be able to take care of him more. i know im no "motherly figure" nor am i good with being there for someone. but i kinda put a whole lot of effort into nathan and it kinda sucks when someone is just so much better than you at it naturally.
8. his tone when he talks to her. its the same tone when he talks to me
9. that she rarely sees him angry like i do. i know this part is supposed to show that i see all his sides and all that, but when hes angry all the time around me i feel like hes not happy around me. and if hes pretty much the same to her as he is to me and he doesnt show all his anger to her, its like he can be happier with her.
10. sometimes i want to just throw "why dont you just go out with kitty? you guys are perfect for each other" at him because (related to 4) he ditches me for her a lot. i dont think he notices, but its the small things that count. like how when its us three walking, he'd end up paired up with her and i'd be 3-4 meters to the right or trailing behind, or walking ahead.
11. he knows an equal amount about her life as he does about mine. and thats like 99.99999999999%
12. shes a virgin. he prefers that.
13. and now i will go on and list all the qualities nathan wants in a girl that kitty possess that i dont

• shes a virgin (thus not having given many firsts to anyone. she's pretty pure)
• on that note, shes got that whole christian girl thing going for her, which is always a bonus because that means she wont do bad things like drugs, smoke, drink excessively or go clubbing by will- all of which i have done that pisses him off
• gets along with him well. possibly even better than i do with him. they are on the same level on a lot of things
• they have more profound talks. there are surface talks but they usually delve into deeper things that have more substance than i do with him.
• shes not pretty but shes not butt ugly. shes average. something he kinda wants in a girl, because he doesnt want to have competition. he doesnt want guys to check her out, he wants the girl to be only his. and im not like talking shit about her. i thought about this a lot and i think that shes just right for this one thing that he wants. not someone you'd have trouble looking at, but no one else will particularly notice much.
• she gets along with his friends great. took me nearly a year before i got comfortable with talking a little bit more. im still a little hesitant at times.
• he probably got along with her parents well. so theres something going for him.
• she probably pays all this attention to him when he talks and it comes easily for her. thats easy for her, her brain isnt turning to mush like mine.

then there are all these other things that ive been thinking of a lot but even more so tonight but i cant remember much of them now because there was just that much on my mind.

now i truly understand how kelvin felt that day i went out with him and justin. i thought i was doing well with him and that he was just being overly sensitive all day, because i gave him attention and i held his hand and once in a while did the "look in the eyes thing and say something quietly to him just between the two of us" and um... random things that couples do. but i knew the whole other chunk of the time i was walking beside justin and laughing and joking with him. talking to justin like as if there was no one beside us and asking justin for advice for clothes and leaving kelvin trailing behind or beside us laughing. he mustve felt like shit but i felt like hes just overly jealous and being stupid. gahhhh i mustve been horrible to him -_-. and that same night i went to find nathan to blaze. i was a terrible gf @_@

im pretty upset right now and i dont want to sleep. but i woke up at 6:30 today to accompany nathan for his exam and its 3 right now... -_-