i know what we have right now is not the same as before. it doesn't feel the same. you don't feel the same. you are distant. i try so hard to make it back the same again and all i get are simple one word answers.

it really sucks, knowing that i brought this upon myself. like really. it sucks big time.

i keep remembering that night i told you on the phone about nixon and andre. or was it just nixon? well anyways, that night. and you were smoking i believe, or you were trying very hard to keep your temper because there was heavy breathing. i remember you saying that no matter what, we will end up back together. and when you said it to me i knew where you were coming from because i agreed to myself. but i was stupid, i thought you'd always be there for me. i am stupid and selfish. now i've ruined things. even if we do get back together it wont be the same. it's dry and distant. its not my "ideal" relationship anymore. its just a relationship.

maybe it will turn out for the better. maybe if we do get together, we'll both know how much it hurts to lose each other and not take each other for granted. we'll treat each other better and make this relationship even better than our last.

when you came over on halloween, you traced "study nc" from the dust on my cd thingy. its such a silly thing i do, but i'm scared over time that message will fade. so every once in a while i trace it back, careful to not trace out of the lines, so its your handwriting.

i miss our silly moments. we dont have them anymore.