fuck. i messaged him. fuck fuck fuck.

i promised not to do this. this is what? the third day. dammit!

lately ive been thinking i wont end up with anyone. and even if someone i liked came along it wouldnt work because i dont think someone could be as compatible as me and nathan. or work as well as us. or i could possibly like someone as much as i liked him. or just like i cant put myself completely into it. i really think we are meant to be and it feels like shit knowing i messed things up for us.

some things changed since summer. i thought sex meant more to him. i thought it was something special to him, since he got so upset about me. and i guess part of the reason why i thought we were still going somewhere was because of the night of halloween. but now i realize sex no longer is as special to him as it was. its just like an "activity".

and i know this sounds silly, but when i asked him about his ipod and he just sort of dismissed it, that hurt. he told me that was his favourite present and like i definately hoped it was since i put a lot of thought into it. but now he doesnt use it... sorta hurt...

fuckkkk i cant let a boy do this to me. i need to read ENVS