i am fucked for school. i really am. i really want to turn back time so i can be in the right mindset to focus on school once again and be how i used to be. school mattered to me.

i have been procrastinating once again and i went to western on... saturday. right.

some things that shouldnt have happened, happened and its really awkward now...

i have once again started talking to nathan again. now its even worse because i dont even feel like he wants to even try. i dont kno. i wish we dindt have that talk the other night. and i also wish i didnt keep thinking about it because i was fine really when we were having that talk and i knew i could be myself still. w/e -_-

so ive done a lot of thinking about this nathan situation and like... im just thinking of all the "if only"s. like if only we didnt do this or that. i think we would have been together for a very long time, if not forever. and he wouldnt be in this stupid mindset that hes not really made for anyone. and he'd treat me like he did before. but now its like all ruined and even if we do get back together its like... different? i dont kno. im writing this as im slowly drifting off to sleep so my thoughts are not conveyed properly. just feel like what we could have had is lost now and we can no longer have it back? i dont kno. so tired... dont want to think of ways to word out my thoughts

i talked to trai last night and she was like right now you think you were happy and everything would have been perfect if you went with him in the summer, but i remember you being really unhappy. i totally forgot i was unhappy :S. that night in the car when we were talking i think this ran thru my mind a couple of times. the timings off, my parents dont like him, his friends dont like me, mine dont like him. the only thing that was good was the thing between us. and i just wanted to have a do-over and start over again. so that we could slowly introduce the idea to my parents and so his friends and my friends could see that we worked really well together. ahhhhhhh : (

so maybe like all this if's and maybe's is a sign to me that this wasnt supposed to have worked out from the beginning. -_-

on a happier note, i have been talking to aaron. hes really cool, but we dont click? so maybe this isnt a happier note. more like a... statement. haha i dont know :S ive been in too many situtaions where the guy is decent on the outside but we dont click and it just does not work. so im not going to even force this one. but omgoodness hes really good looking @_@. i mean its aaron kwok. like EVERYONE knows he's the good looking guy from SAC. and hes not cocky- completely down to earth. doesnt do drugs/drink (i think?) at least he doesnt need them to have fun. he can be really silly and immature to entertain. he is a NERD. he plays cs all day -_- and sings bsb songs while dancing on tables for fun.

i wish i went to western. then i could hang out with him and be silly with him too i suppose. but now when i see them i dont find it that funny. i just feel awkward and out of place.

w/e, he lives down the street and holidays are coming up. he said he'll take me to tofu village and make me like tofu. i told him we'd ds party and make him like ds.

i feel like im trying to brainwash myself into liking this guy so i can get over nathan and move on. but the more i think about it the less appealing this guy seems :S. ahhhhhhhhhhhhh why cant i be asexual?! : (